Well.

I’m not sure what to
write about.
I’m glad these past
two weeks
are over.
It’s been hard lately.
But I’m managing.

One month
until my birthday.
I should be happy.
Driving, dating.
I should be happy,
but I’m scared to death.
I’m scared I’m
not going to say no
to people I don’t want
to date.
I won’t have an excuse
anymore.
I’ll be sixteen-dating
material.
I’m scared I’ll get stuck
in a relationship.
I’m scared someone will
break my heart,
or worse, break someone
else’s heart.
I don’t want to be old enough
to date.
I want to ask mom to make me
french toast and hot chocolate
again.
I want to draw with crayons.
I don’t want to be thinking
about college,
or worse,
money for college.
I just want to stay here
the rest of my life
in my beautiful bedroom
under my poofy blankets.
I don’t want to get hurt,
or hurt anyone else.

I am a very stubborn person.
I’ve been thinking about
this a lot.
My mom and dad probably
want to wack me
across the head sometimes.
Because of my stubbornness,
my siblings think
I hate babies,
I don’t want to get married,
and they cannot ask me
to cook them anything.
I have strong opinions
about what my calling is
in life.
In church,
my Sunday School teacher
asked the women straight out
if we felt any annoyance
that the men had the priesthood
and we didn’t.
Most of the girls shook
their head.
“I don’t think so,” Miranda said.
“Why?” said Sister F.
“I think there’s a balance.
The men get the priesthood,
the women get to stay home
and be mothers.”
CRINGE!
“What do you think, Anne?”
I swear. The leaders always
ask for my opinion during
these type of lessons.
Even if they don’t know
my thoughts.
What a coincidence.
“Eh,” I didn’t want to talk about it.
“Eh what?”
“The men get the priesthood.
Whatever. But I don’t think
anything is balanced
if we are just mothers.”
Sometimes when I say this,
leaders get shocked.
Some say something like,
“Well, God has told us
to multiply and replenish
the Earth, Anne,”
and I just wanna throw
a rock at them.
Others are good with this,
like Sister F is.
She took it to a different
conversation.
Education.
Then I was okay.
I’m a big fan of education.
The thing is,
I know I’m going
to have kids.
I have received a blessing
that has told me
I will pop out some babies
sometime or another.
And when I have them,
I will love them.
I will be a good mother.
But man,
I can’t stand talking about it
right now.
It’s just not my thing.
Some girls just can’t wait
to have kids.
Some girls just want to
be a mother and that’s it.
Good. That’s great!
But that’s not for me.
I want to do things
before that happens.
So.
Mira thinks I hate babies.
Oh well.

I’ve been thinking
about my mom’s side
of the family lately.
My grandpa was having
heart-attacks
about a month ago.
Things are okay now,
but it was a big shock.
My grandpa is a healthy,
hard-working man.
He still has brown hair,
let alone his hair.
It made me think.
I don’t think I share
my love for everyone
on that side of my family.
(Well, except Ambryn)
What if my grandpa had died
last month?
What if I never got to tell him
how much I truly love him?
My grandpa gave me
singing lessons.
He drove all the way
to my house every week.
At the last lesson,
he said, “Well, Anne.
You have a great voice.
I’ve seen you act,
and you’re fantastic.
You can do this.”
Then he hugged me.
When he left,
I ran upstairs
and started crying.
I love that man.
My grandma.
She remembers everything
I have ever said to her.
I am always surprised
when she brings up something
that I’ve said to her
months and years before.
She remembers everything.
I love that woman.
My great grandma.
Every year,
she writes me in her
shaky, cursive handwriting
and tells me happy birthday.
Have I ever called her up
and said thank you?
Have I ever written her back?
No, I haven’t.
What if she dies tomorrow?
I will have never said
how much I love her,
and how much it meant
to get a card every year.
I’ve been thinking about
my aunts, uncles,
and cousins.
When all of the cousins
are grown up and
move out,
will we come visit each other?
When I’m out of the house,
will I call up any of
the “the seven” (My uncles
and aunt) just to say hi?
I have wasted too many
Sundays sitting on Grandma’s
couch not saying anything
to anyone.
Except Ambryn.

That has to change.

I am changing chemistry
teachers.
Phew.
I will no longer have
P.E.
Phew.
The two teachers
that make me feel retarded
are gone!
I have decided to drop
German.
I haven’t learned one thing
in the class.
Not one.
I sit in the class and do
absolutely nothing.
The other best
German speakers
in the class, Erik and Nicki,
are also dropping out.
Before I told Frau Christopher,
Nicki and I were
in the bathroom
ready to barf.
We were so scared to tell her.
She has gotten attached to us.
I told Frau Christopher that day,
but Nicki did not make up her mind.
Infact, she still hasn’t
made up her mind.
Frau Christopher is
trying to get her to stay.
Instead of German
next semester,
I will be joining the newspaper,
which I am excited for.
Very.

So there.
That’s what’s up with me.

6 Comments


  1. Well, Anne, some quick comments. You don’t have to say yes to every guy who asks you out. You say, I’m sorry, I’m busy that day/night. Can’t do it. That’s it. How do I know this? Because I got that line from girls quite a bit–I didn’t like it, but it was effective. It’s not your job to make everyone happy. That’s a terrible burden. Your job is to be a good person, but that doesn’t mean you have to say yes to everyone.

    And you don’t have to say yes to a guy who want to kiss you. You can say, I’m sorry, I have snot in my mouth, or I have just eaten a head of garlic, or I prefer not to. Now that’s a good line, and it’s from a Melville’s “Bartleby the Scrivener.” When people ask Bartleby to do something he doesn’t want to do, he says, “I would prefer not to.” That’s about the best line in English language.

    You’ll do it all. Those of us who have watched you have always known you’d do it all–you’ll get an education, you’ll have wonderful travels, and you’ll have babies. But ask any adult with half a brain–babies are not the answer to everything. They are part of life, not the whole of life. People who think that have a limited imagination. That’s not you, Babe. You’ve got imagination to spare.

    I love you. You’re the best.


  2. Sweet Anne,
    Sometimes I wonder about our side of the family too. I only have one sister and I don’t talk to her every day like some sisters do. But when I am falling apart and I don’t know what to do, I call her. Then she says I’m sorry and reassures me and gives me ideas. When I hang up I feel better because I always know she will be there for me when I need her. I agree with you about your Grandpa. I love that man. Good luck with dating. You will do just fine. You are smart and funny and kind. I love you.


  3. Finally! someone who shares my will to SEE THE WORLD before settling down! To want to feel complete in life before closing it up with a family! Thank you! Haha! And also…ugh. I still dunno what I’m gonna do about German. I really don’t. Bleh. I need to jsut come over there and sit down with you and talk it over and try to relax about it and see what turns out feeling right. Hm. also, we need to work on those posters! The activity is THIS WEEK! bah!

    Loved this entry. (:


  4. Anne, I feel EXACTLY the same way!! I don’t want to think about money for college, yet I have to NOW! I never wanted to turn sixteen, I never wanted to turn someone down or have someone turn me down, I don’t want to go through the awkward stages of dating someone. But now I have to, soon, in college, I have to grow up, and I don’t want to have children, I just want to travel the world, se it, expiereance it, before I am tied down with family of my own. I need to go through my struggles and learn things. I agree with you Anne, 100%


  5. I like all this struggling to be yourself. I like it very much.


  6. i do not want to be sixteen either. it is frightening i never thought it would come but apparently time does not stand still. i miss you anne. and i love you. and by the way boys are stupid so don’t worry about them:) and babies well who really want one of those coming out….. haha well i love you dear!

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