Leather, Thirty, and Me

Leather: If you had no obligations, no one to take care of but yourself, what would you be doing?
Thirty: I know what I’d be doing. I’d be getting drunk and living as a porn star—the two things I love most!


A very important person walks in. “Hello!” she says. Thirty turns around and gasps. Did she hear him? He turns bright red and says hello. She walks around the room, observing the objects that need fixing. She leaves.

Anne: (laughing hysterically) You are so lucky.

Rosi and me

Rosi: Anne, when will you marry?
Me: Not for a while.
Rosi: But you are ready.
Me: What? (Laugh.) I’m still in High School!
Rosi: Yes but you so pretty now. I tell my son, ‘Son, you must get married soon.’ He say, “No, mom, I don’t want to get married.” I think, he is so old!
Me: How old is your son?
Rosi: He is like you. He is seventeen.

Will and me

Me: Will you teach me how to hit a baseball this summer?
Will: That depends. Will you swear allegiance to any team other than the Yankees or Phillies?
Me: …Yes?
Will: Okay. We’ll play ball.

Thirty and me

Me: I’m going to the U for college.
Thirty: Another boo boo! You can’t go to college in your backyard, you gotta leave, go see the world. Where are you going to live?
Me: With one of my aunt’s.
Thirty: Nooo! Wrong move again! Someday, Anne, you’re going to want to be treated as an adult…
Me: Uh huh.
Thirty: …And when that day comes, no one will treat you like an adult cause Mommy, Daddy, and Auntie Sue have been babying you for twenty years and they ain’t gonna stop babying you.
Me: Uh huh.
Thirty: You’re moving into the dorms. You gotta experience life, go out to the clubs and drink a little, date guys here.
Me: (Laugh) Okay.
Thirty: Take my advice. I know what I’m talking about.