passage from journal.
I can’t make up my mind about Las Vegas. Vegas brought out all of my judgmental thoughts. Judging has never really been one of my weaknesses. Thanks to good parents, I’ve pretty much got the whole acceptance thing down. But while walking around Las Vegas at nighttime, I started to rag on everyone in my head. The ladies at the slots, the group of guy friends playing poker, the girls wearing tight black dresses; I just wanted to yell “Hey chick! That dress makes your armpit fat pop out more than your boobs!” and “Hey chick, your cleavage isn’t all that great.” Half of me was being the biggest judgmental and conceited bitch on the planet. The other half was thinking, “Ugh. Wouldn’t it be nice to put on one of those tight black dresses—one that makes me look tall and skinny—and hold a beer bottle in my hand? Wouldn’t it be fun and playful to wear that cherry lip gloss and steal that man’s cigarette to smoke it, just like that woman did over there? Wouldn’t it be fun to play poker with a group of friends in that red, dim-lit room and hear the clinging from the slots?”
I didn’t like either part of me when I passed the casinos. I hated it that the one half of me wanted to be a part of it. Why did I feel such a desire to dress up and smoke and breathe it all in? Why did it all look so delicious to me? I’m not missing out. I don’t need to dress up to feel beautiful. I don’t need to be here to have fun. But I mostly hated the other part of me—the judgmental byotch. I hated it that I all of the sudden thought I could judge those who were sitting in the casinos or who were walking down the streets in cocktail dresses. I hated that I saw myself better than them and that I was one to make assumptions about what kind of person they were. I am absolutely no one to judge. I am no better than any. And what I believe is right or wrong only matters to me; it’s not my position to be scorning everyone just because I think a certain way and they don’t.
So. That’s why I had a hard time with Vegas. It messed with all my insides (pff, whatever the heck that means.) It made me go against all of my strongest and most secure beliefs of loving and accepting people. It made me crave for things I believe are not good for me. It really just messed with my head. I hate things that mess with my head or my thoughts like that. Ooog, I hate feeling like I have no control over myself like that.
So THERE! ☺
P.S. I was going to skip the whole Vegas thoughts, but I read my journal and thought I’d just type it up and stick it in my blog. Tomorrow I’ll write about San Diego (or the Grand Canyon? Eh. We’ll see.) and Lara being here.