I’m at the library. Four minutes until I start my homework. At 12:30 I will start my Nacherzählung von Isolde und Tristan.
The wizard likes me, I think. She gave me an A on my last paper and an A- on my last.
My other German teacher wrote on my Quiz and said “Wow! Du bist die Sprachmeisterin!”
I’m feeling good about German. I can do this. But I’m worried about my Anthropology class. My test scores aren’t good. They are multiple choice. Ugh, I just can’t do multiple choice. I don’t know why. Ugh. I don’t know. I think I’ll talk about it in group therapy today.
The woman sitting across from me at the booth offered me coffee. She has a giant thermos. I’m thinking about Spencer and his thermos. After all of that trouble, he left it on the top of his car, drove away, realized he had left it, and found the thermos with scratches and a dent on the side. He said he’d buy a new one today.
It’s 12:30. Neh, I’ll wait til 12:35.
The class I’m most worried about is math. First off, everyone says that Math 1050 is so much harder. When your advisor sees that you’ll be majoring in something in the Humanities department, they automatically assume that you can’t do math. I can do math. So they make Math 1030 sound ten times easier.
Math 1030 is not freaking easier. It’s a bunch of word problems! No one can do word problems! I should have taken Math 1050—just regular math. I can do that.
Sigh. So. Unless the wizard zaps me, I think I’ll get an A in my two German classes, an A in Photography… And Anthropology and Math are the ones I’ve got to watch.
I turned down lunch with Griff and Russ. I hate turning down lunch with Griff and Russ. But I have a schedule for myself this week. Very Vivian of me, if I might say so myself. And so far I’m doing a good job of keeping that schedule. I’ve already read ten pages of my Anthropology book and it’s only Tuesday!
I’m in my school head. Sometimes it’s nice. Sometimes it’s relaxing. I’m not worried right now.
Did I tell you I worked out yesterday? Well I did.
Did I tell you I finished a whole unit of Spanish? Well I did.
This week I will work out at least three more times. And I will finish another unit of Spanish.
And I will apply to write for the newspaper. And I’ll get it.
I don’t want to go to group therapy today. Every time I go, I unravel a memory that I’ve ignored in my head. Something that made me sad or angry or whatever, something I didn’t confront, something that made me feel helpless. I tend to ignore those feelings and pretend I’m okay and keep going. But now I go and they ask a question and we’re all in there thinking and something just hits. And for the next couple of days all of the emotions I hid away explode and I become zornig (yes zornig, because it sounds so much cooler than any “angry” word in English)! Or sad. Or whatever. I don’t want to explode anymore.
But it’s probably healthy, right? Yeah. It probably is. Keeping in emotions or ignoring incidents that made you angry or clenching your painful memories so no one else can see… that’s not good.
I’ll go. And I’ll listen. And I’ll say something. And I’ll listen.
You know what I hate about the blog? The time I really really wanna write is when something sucks. Because writing every blog post about how everything is so damn great gets so damn boring. But when you write about something sucking, it gets too personal. And no one wants to get too personal on the blog.
Oh crap. 12:48. Gotta go.