Since my last post I have practiced my ordering skills to a more intense level.
I’ll give you a couple of tips.
When you order an ice cream cone, make sure to say “cono” instead of “coño.” Coño may or may not be the terrible swear word referring to a woman’s private.
And if you do say it and everyone looks shocked, do not say “Coño? Coño? Coño?” over and over, hoping that one of the times they’ll understand you. They won’t.
When you are at a café ordering a smoothie, make sure you know what type of milk you would like.
Two percent is not an option.
For if you ask for two percent, the waiter will scowl at you and in reply you will scowl back and wonder why the hell he’s asking you what kind of milk you’d like anyway.
And if that happens, you will lose your chances of ordering by yourself, and your best friend will step in and do the rest for you.
Another tip! But this one is not about ordering.
You are sitting at the countertop in your friend’s house, eating your turkey and tomato sandwich. You have just taken a giant bite before your friend’s sister, Melissa, steps in the room. Melissa has brought a friend.
Melissa says, “Anne, this is my friend Amanda. Amanda, this is Anne.”
You do a pleasant wave and say hello, still munching on your giant bite of turkey and tomato sandwich.
But when Amanda leans over you until her cheek is in front of your mouth, do not shove your turkey and tomato sandwich in her face and awkwardly ask if she wants it.
Because when that happens, your best friend will yell, “We kiss!” reminding you that Amanda does not want your sandwich, she wants to kiss your cheek. Just a warm greeting, that’s all.
Besides, you don’t want to eat a sandwich that has been smashed in someone’s face.