I was around rude people. Manipulative people. People who tell you you’re not enough.
There were too many of them today.
I think manipulation is the worst thing on the planet. The people who you think are nice people to do it. People who you care about do it. I do it. You do it. We all do it and it’s the worst thing on the planet. It’s just trying to make someone feel shitty about themselves in the sneakiest way possible. And it works.
I look back on moments where I felt so crummy about myself, thinking it was all MY fault, ME ME ME and how I hurt people or how I ruined everything, and when I’m out of the situation I think, what. a little. punk. They GOT me.
When someone makes me feel that sucky, I breathe and try and think, do I deserve this? And does this person deserve to do this to me? I’m really sensitive to it now. I catch it now. The minute someone says something even only slightly manipulative, I think “This person is trying to make me feel bad.” They want to blame it on me and get themselves out of it. I catch it quick.
The problem with me is I never want to let it go. It digs inside me. It shakes my soul. It plans for days, weeks, months to get revenge, to put them in their place. Justice!
But that never feels right either. So I pray it will leave me and that I will have peace.
I’ve been strong for so long. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to cry on my husband. Goodnight.