After the eighteenth article I’m forcing Spencer to listen to as I read out loud, I realize that maybe I should give him a break. Maybe I should, like, stop talking for a while.
The thing is, I can count on my left hand the people I can say anything and everything to and when I find those people in my life, I just won’t shut up. And those people come and go, and sometimes they’re replaced by others and sometimes they’re really not and I just put a finger down.
There’s a point when I’m talking to someone about something that, for me, is a bigger part of me, and after I say it I feel horrible. Horrible! Embarrassment and stomach aches. I just think, I shouldn’t have said that. I should not have said that. And it can be something small, but I don’t know. Why? Why does that happen?
Conversations are weird. Have you ever felt like you were comfortable talking to someone about something more serious about yourself but then you felt them tense up and change the subject? And, even though it might not seem like this to them, you feel like they don’t want to have that connection with you? And suddenly you relationship with them is just at this standstill and your limits of talking to them about things have reached its max.
Well, that’s awkward and I don’t like it.
I’ve been a lot better about just talking and talking and not being ashamed of who I am.
I guess this has been bugging me lately a lot. The fact that there are certain things we can say and other things we just shouldn’t bring up. And things that, even if we feel it, it’s not right to feel it, so let’s not talk about it. I hate it so much. I hate it! Sigh. Maybe I should make my way back to a therapist. Remember how group therapy was making all these emotions rise up? Jeez, it made me feel even more anxious, but at least I was understanding myself. Therapy is a marvelous thing, well, if you have a good therapist. Admittedly, I have never finished all of the therapy sessions, like I bailed on the last three group therapy sessions I was supposed to go to because I talked about myself and didn’t want to face all those people that I talked about myself with again, hahaha.