This is the week I’ve been waiting for–finals! While finals week isn’t til’ next week, all of my professors have decided to do it this week, since no one and their dog wants to be in school all the way til’ the 19th of December. How un-cool.

I always write lists for you of everything I have to do, and it must bore you. But here I go again, because I can’t even help myself.

Tomorrow: Oral Exam. Spanish. I’ve got this. I can do this. I’ve been memorizing my four minute skit all evening. Four minutes in a different language feels a lot longer than four minutes. While I study, all I can think about is how much I miss speaking German. My brain will barely let me speak Spanish without dropping a few German words in there.

In the evening I will have English lessons. I am teaching an eight-year-old boy English. He’s from China. We play “Guess Who?” and play with my childhood stuffed animals that he has to describe and tell me what animals they are. We read books like Where the Wild Things Are and I Know What You Do When I Go To School and The Bremen-Town Musicians, books I haven’t read since a little girl.

Tuesday: Watercolor presentation and project. Our project was to replicate a famous artist’s painting and then present it, as well as a summary of the artist’s life, to the class. I’ve chosen Emil Nolde because I love Nolde and because–I’m seeing a pattern here–I miss Germany so much. I fell in love with Nordfriesland and Schleswig-Holstein. I never knew I could love Germany more than I did at seventeen. So I’ll get to share some of that love on Tuesday. This painting, by the way, was the first one that I absolutely loved doing and it is my last.

Wednesday: Spanish presentation on Barcelona. I’m working with a group and we have already created the brochure, but we have not worked on the power point and each of us will have to speak for about one minute and forty seconds to that class. I’m freaking out about that, but we’ll figure it out…on Tuesday at 3am. (Hopefully not).

Thursday: Final exam for international business. I am ready to be done with this class. It has given me so much grief. But there is a bright side. It has made me want to create a business. It has allowed me to understand what creating a business even entails.

Then I am done. Four more days. Four. More. Days.

Today I had a lesson in Sunday on the atonement. Reading the lesson made me feel so angry about this year. I have had a wretched year, people. So many good things, but so many bad things. I am very depressed. It scares me. But I am learning a lot of things about myself–a lot of things that throw me over the edge and that I need to be careful of.

For one, I’m learning that it is vital for the sanity of Anne Louise to lock myself up in a room for a while and speak to absolutely no one. If not for small moments in a day every day, than for like 3-5 hours once a week. I’ve always known this about me, but since being eighteen-nineteen-twenty-twenty-one I’ve forgotten that that is like a ridiculously important thing.

I’m learning that saying no is not selfish. It’s responsible and necessary.

I’m learning that either way, I’m going to feel guilty about things, so I better pick the one that’s going to be better for me and then live with the guilt, cause it’s just going to be there. And maybe if I keep picking the one that’s better for me (and Spencer) and not for everyone else, then later in life I’ll stop feeling guilty.

I’m learning that I got to figure out how to not care what every person thinks of me, because if I do that for another week I’m going to throw a rock through the window.

I’m realizing that I’m having a spiritual crisis and whatever that means, that’s okay for this week, because I just need to get through Thursday and then I’ll worry about my spiritual crisis.

I have a mental breakdown if I share too much information with someone. I don’t know what to do about that, but that’s why I blog. Because the minute I start sharing too much of myself with an actual human being face-to-face, I regret it. Trust issues? What is it?

It’s time to go to sleep. Spencer has gotten up to see if I’m still memorizing my Spanish. Obviously, I’m not. He’s now lying next to me and I’m only typing with my right hand so I can put my left arm around him. I think I’ll publish this. Or maybe I’ll feel guilty about it. Nah, it’s time to post something. This helped. I think I can go to bed now with all of these thoughts out of my head.

One more thing. Someone told me that I wasn’t being very Christ-like in my actions. And I just want to tell you something, virtual universe. I am a freaking good person. I have never meant to harm anyone. I have always cared about others. I have loved and loved and have never hated. I love until it hurts. I care. I worry for others. I. Care. I am a freaking good, Christ-like person.

Okay, goodnight.

3 Comments


  1. I love this post and I adore you in a not creepy, not stalking, but in a been worried for a month “Where is Anne?” sort of way. So glad you came up for air to let us know you are ok.

    I love whales because they are so impossibly massive, so important to the world’s ecosystem, yet they move totally underwater, away from the world’s view until they are ready to break the surface and frolic in the sun.
    You are a whale, doing all kinds of important work away from prying eyes and yet still kind enough to share your spouts of creative energy and love with the rest of us.
    Good luck with finals. I love your lists, they make me feel all calm and happy for you because I know you got this.


  2. PS. Only in Utah would someone say another person is being unChrist-like. News flash – that person is being super judgmental. They need to get off the judgment mat and go find somewhere else to stand.


  3. Who on earth would dare say to someone that their actions are not Christlike? Someone very afraid of their own thoughts and actions, would be my guess.

    Bless bless.

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