If you didn’t get it from the title of this post, I AM GOING TO ROME. The tickets are bought! Megan and I are spending two weeks in the summer running through Italy and PARIS and LONDON. This is the first time going to Europe for fun!–without having to be at school or work (I know, such a spoiled thing to say, right?).
I’ve been holding off on telling you this news. Megan posted it on her social media platforms and I quietly untagged myself. You know why? Cause I was embarrassed. I felt guilty. I was excited, but I felt that everyone else would think I was this selfish married girl, not taking money or her husband into consideration.
For three years I’ve had to learn again and again that I love what I love, I am who I am, and I cannot be Anne if I don’t feed my spirit the things it so selfishly wants.
When we were first engaged, I listed in my head the things I’d have to sacrifice in order to marry Spencer. How would Spencer be Spencer and Anne be Anne together? How would we be able to accomplish dreams and future goals when they seemed so different?
I decided in my mind that I would have to be the one to sacrifice the most. My dreams were too farfetched. Unrealistic. Too fantasy-like, too childish, not productive enough, not “money” successful enough. I watched people ask us what we were doing with our lives and as I told them my dreams, I felt their eyes quickly pass over to Spencer’s where he told his solid, five-year plan. It would be me that would have to settle down and fit into the good-girl, good-wifey life, I thought, and cheer on the side as I followed my husband in his dreams.
Of course, none of this was Spencer’s perspective. We had been dating for almost a year and he was always excited about my goals and my future. He listened, without scoffs or eye rolls. He took me seriously. And when the “marriage” word popped up, and when I let him know of these worries, he told me we would always find a way for both of us to live joyous lives. Together. I clung to his words, hoping he meant them.
It took a few breakdowns and prayers and fights to get this idea out of my head. And it still pops in once in a while. I don’t think it’ll ever go away completely.
Because even though Spencer loves me unconditionally and prays for my dreams as much as his, and hugs me so tight when I get a job interview or an acceptance letter in the mail, I can’t stop validating my decisions to everyone else. “Yeah, I’m going to Hawaii. I don’t spend a lot of money, and we’ve been really good with our budget, and I really just needed it, because I’ve been kind of depressed and… yeah.”
“Yeah, I’m going to Germany for four months and leaving my husband. Yeah, I have to do it for school though, and I’ve been really good at saving for the past months and Spencer’s going to visit so I’ll see him.”
All of the time, people. And the truth is, I just wanted to go Hawaii, dammit. I just wanted to go to Germany. I didn’t have to go to Germany. I got that international studies double major when I got back. But can I say that? No, I’m too embarrassed. How can I help it? I worry what other people think of me. I worry people think I’m a bad wife. Do you know someone said this to us when we were dating? That because I’m “this way” I won’t ever be able to make Spencer happy?
But I don’t have to have a Plan B life. I can have Plan A life all of the time. Even though this fear pops into my head every few months and I have to fight it again, that fear isn’t winning. I have received more blessings in the past two and half years with Spencer than I have in my whole life. Every question to God has been answered. Every answer has been better than I expected. And this year, we are getting huge blessings for both Spencer and me. Next month something huge is happening for Spencer. We both feel it. I’m so excited.
So, back to the point. I’m going to Rome with my best friend and I am dying of excitement.
I am completely head over heels in love with my sweet, hard-working, forgiving, hilarious, ridiculously good-looking husband. Spence, I love you. I’m so lucky to be with you.
Happy Valentines Day.