I didn’t really enjoy women’s conference. I enjoyed being with my family and spending time with sister part. But other than that I didn’t have all that great of a time. On the car ride home I tried to untangle the knots in my brain that come about when my life stops making sense and I have to sort things out again. I spoke out loud to Spencer. If I don’t jive with stuff that is said at the conference pulpit, then what can I depend on? Oh yeah, Jesus and God. Well, okay, if I can depend on Jesus and God, then why do I need religion and church and everything? Can’t I just live my life praying and doing good deeds and trying to be a better person? Why do I feel like I have to jive with the stuff I don’t really wanna jive with? No one can mess with my relationship with God, so why don’t I just work on that and do something else for three hours tomorrow?
I haven’t wanted to go to church for a while now. I don’t know what it is. I go in and out of phases. It just feels hard to get there and I feel like I have to like meditate before I get there. Also it’s like I don’t feel like I have friends at church and I want to have friends, but then I just want to sit in the back and not talk to anyone. I love a lot of the women in my ward, though. And I’m busy and everything, but I want to bond with people and maybe I don’t know how to. Like my home is always a wreck. So having someone over for just an hour is like a three hour process cause I have to clean the house. I don’t have three hours. Cooking for someone? OMG no. Taking someone out? Well, sometimes I have money for that, but not always. If I go over to someone’s house I worry I’m taking up their time. I mean really the most ideal hang out is wearing pajamas and having them get in bed with me and watch a movie. So then maybe I should just only hang out with Spencer. Damn, back to square one. WAIT, but that’s all I did before I got married! Hung out on a friend’s bed and watched movies with a bag of kit kats! Why can’t I do it now? Is it the sex thing? No one wants to sit on a sex bed? Do I need to get my own “bed to sit on for watching movies with my friends” bed? Is that creepy? Yes? Okay I’ll stop.
People, just tell me the rules of being a married woman so I won’t ask these questions anymore.
Is it just the age/my current life situation that I feel completely not social? What about the church thing? Why is it that sometimes I’m all up for going to church but lately it’s exhausting? Maybe it’ll get better with time, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jessica isn’t even in our ward anymore and my heart hurts so much that I didn’t try harder to be her friend before she left. I adored her! And Amber moved today!
I’m fine with being alone. And then I get lonely. And then I want to be alone. And then I get lonely.