What are you thinking about tonight? Are you up?
I’m thinking about alcohol and how I’ve never had it. I’m twenty two and have never even had a sip. Isn’t that funny? I’m thinking about how proud I am of that. I don’t know why, really. I guess we all have these moral commandments for ourselves, whether they’re religious or not, and we all tend to break them because we’re humans and everything. I just like that I’ve kept that one at least this far. I guess it just bothers me, the whole alcohol thing. People love talking about it. For, like, ever. It’s boring as hell.
But I talk about TV shows all of the time. Like I can’t stop. And I’m comparing that to the way people talk about their oh so unique but so totally not unique cup of coffee or their glass of wine. What is it about it? I don’t know, I’m too tired to come up with something.
For me I feel I’ve been numbing myself with TV and I’m not telling you this because I think I need to change or I think it’s bad, it’s just how it is. I don’t want to work on anything after school and work. I just want to be sucked into a virtual life so I can get through this.
It’s time to sleep and I don’t want to, because when I go to sleep it means when I wake up it will be Thursday and I will go to work and then run around finishing everything I need to before class at 6.
While I’m with Megan in Europe, I get to see Loira in England and Marina in France. I can’t wait. It makes me so happy, this trip.
I don’t know if I want to go to grad school. Part of it completely freaks me out and I keep thinking I won’t be good enough. I don’t remember thinking that way at the beginning of my undergrad. Did I? Was I nervous? I can’t remember. I just remember packing up my clothes, hugging my mom goodbye and driving to Jeff and Stacey’s.
I never went back to my parents after that. I had no idea I would never live there again. I moved everything out, my room was taken and everything, and I was gone. Isn’t that weird? I don’t remember visiting often either. I didn’t go back on the weekends. I went with my cousin Bryant to church or skipped church and studied. I guess I was busy. Oh yeah, I was working at Zupas on the weekends too. I was probably exhausted on Sundays and I was worried about gas money and stuff. And I loved hanging out with my cousins.
Anyway, about grad school. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do. It sounds long and hard and terrifying. I don’t feel like writing essays anymore. But I know I will want one. I know I want one now, I just don’t want to do it. And part of me just wants to be at home. With a baby, yeah, sometime, but also like I just want to be at home in a bed and never leave and wear sweatpants all day and eat Ben and Jerry’s. I think a lot of it is fear and I’m sick of working hard. I just don’t want to work hard at anything for a while.