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1. I watched Amelie for the first time ever. I cried during the last scene with Amelie and Nino on the motor bike driving through Paris streets. Not just because it was perfect, but because the movie was over. I watched it the next day with Spencer, who also thought it was wonderful. I like watching a movie first and then watching it with Spencer. I like to look at him during the funny parts to see his reaction.

2. I’m looking at GoPros and 50mm/1.8 lenses. I want both and I want them now. Really I want a F1.4 but ain’t nobody got money for that.

3. I came home from work and made myself a cup of hot chocolate. 1 teaspoon of cocoa, 4 teaspoons of sugar, one mug of milk.

4. I read the two sentences my brother wrote home to us. He’s on a mission in Uruguay. There’s an Elder Rust who has red hair. That’s pretty much all I know.

5. Our tax returns are coming and we’re feeling rich. Rich, like, “Oh you made how much? Oh okay, here’s every cent you paid in taxes last year so you don’t die” rich. Cool with me, yo.

6. I’m thinking about being with Megan in Europe. Train rides, plane rides, bike rides, gondola rides, rowboat rides. Pizza in Italy. Gelato in Italy. Crepes in France.

7. I’m thinking about squeezing my cousins’ cheeks in Hawaii. Snorkeling with Mom. Taking pictures with Dad. Eating pancakes with coconut syrup. Cracking my sunglasses.

8. I’m thinking about the things I’m good at–speaking in front of a large group of people, writing papers, analyzing shit, remembering symbols and metaphors and stories, smiling, listening, saying thank you, acting like a big dork, laughing at inappropriate things, budgeting, being a leader, being powerful, being empathetic, doing an A+ job at work and school, knowing when someone is being manipulative.

9. I’m thinking about that one time when Spencer said, “When you lose it, you’re so articulate.” Hahahaha.

10. I’m remembering Spencer’s and my emergency Sunday grocery run yesterday to grab tampons and icy hot. The combination just cracks me up.

11. I’m thinking about one day in middle school this boy humiliated me on the bus ride home in front of all my friends and how, four years later, I made out with the same guy on a bench. The hell, Anne? What were you thinking?

12. I’m thinking about being 16 and sitting on the garden roof with Ethan and Ky a few days before flying to Germany and wearing blue jean sandals I bought from D.I.

13. I’m thinking about my first Sunday back from Germany, walking into church and seeing Megan and Tasia on the bench. And how we kept leaning over to grin at each other during Sacrament Meeting.

14. I’m thinking about this woman. She barely knew me. Three months after coming home from Germany, she said to me in front of my best friend, “You’re kind of strange since you got back from Germany. You used to be so bubbly and fun.” Lady, it’s called reverse culture shock and I hate you.

15. I’m happy today.

(as of April 12, 2015)

1. Mount Kilimanjaro, Tanzania

2. Alaska

3. VW Bus road trip down the United States west coast, from Seattle to San Diego

4. Macchu Picchu, Peru

5. Japan

What’s your top five as of RIGHT NOW?

Adventure is Out There

 

Image via CreativeMarket.com

I was exhausted during my Morning shift this morning (4am-10am). On my 8am “lunch” break I lay in my car and slept for the whole 30 minutes. It was slow during work, so I put my headphones in one ear and listened to the general conference talks I missed over the weekend. I listened to Elder Uchtdorf’s from the priesthood meeting because I heard how wonderful it was (and it really was), and to the Sunday morning session talks, which were also beautiful.

When I got home a little after 10 I watched two episodes of Hart of Dixie and scoffed at everyone’s enhanced spray tans this season and checked out the before and after pictures (clothed) of Rachel Bilson’s new nose and boob job. I know it’s a stupid show, but it’s the last season and I have to watch it.

I then fell asleep for two hours having missed my Zumba class. I got to my nutrition class, luckily, and got the participation points for the day which I desperately needed. No matter how much I study, I end up with a 74 out of 100 on the test. Have I told you how much I hate multiple choice tests? Give me a pencil and a blank paper and I’ll blow your mind. But with a multiple choice test, I always get C’s. If I show up though, I can get a B.

Speaking of tests, I have my first test from History this Thursday. He has given us all of the questions, but I am very nervous. I’m in a daze today and can’t seem to focus on any school work. I just want to go back to bed. I wish someone could sit with me for eight hours and help me focus. I need a robot.

Yongzhen and I are reading Harry Potter together. He now comes over three times a week for English class. On Easter evening Yongzhen rang our doorbell, holding a bag of warm dumplings for us. I love his mother Xiaoyan, who has become my dear friend. She wrote me an email last week saying she knows God introduced us together. How often do you get an email like that? Really. People can be so nice and thoughtful.

I bought a new bikini for my summer trips. I feel so cute and comfortable in it. I drove all over the valley to get the right sizes because they were out of stock online and in the stores nearby. Totally worth it. It’s this one from Target.

What else? There’s always more, but I’ll leave it here. Bye, friends.

I didn’t really enjoy women’s conference. I enjoyed being with my family and spending time with sister part. But other than that I didn’t have all that great of a time. On the car ride home I tried to untangle the knots in my brain that come about when my life stops making sense and I have to sort things out again. I spoke out loud to Spencer. If I don’t jive with stuff that is said at the conference pulpit, then what can I depend on? Oh yeah, Jesus and God. Well, okay, if I can depend on Jesus and God, then why do I need religion and church and everything? Can’t I just live my life praying and doing good deeds and trying to be a better person? Why do I feel like I have to jive with the stuff I don’t really wanna jive with? No one can mess with my relationship with God, so why don’t I just work on that and do something else for three hours tomorrow?

I haven’t wanted to go to church for a while now. I don’t know what it is. I go in and out of phases. It just feels hard to get there and I feel like I have to like meditate before I get there. Also it’s like I don’t feel like I have friends at church and I want to have friends, but then I just want to sit in the back and not talk to anyone. I love a lot of the women in my ward, though. And I’m busy and everything, but I want to bond with people and maybe I don’t know how to. Like my home is always a wreck. So having someone over for just an hour is like a three hour process cause I have to clean the house. I don’t have three hours. Cooking for someone? OMG no. Taking someone out? Well, sometimes I have money for that, but not always. If I go over to someone’s house I worry I’m taking up their time. I mean really the most ideal hang out is wearing pajamas and having them get in bed with me and watch a movie. So then maybe I should just only hang out with Spencer. Damn, back to square one. WAIT, but that’s all I did before I got married! Hung out on a friend’s bed and watched movies with a bag of kit kats! Why can’t I do it now? Is it the sex thing? No one wants to sit on a sex bed? Do I need to get my own “bed to sit on for watching movies with my friends” bed? Is that creepy? Yes? Okay I’ll stop.

People, just tell me the rules of being a married woman so I won’t ask these questions anymore.

Is it just the age/my current life situation that I feel completely not social? What about the church thing? Why is it that sometimes I’m all up for going to church but lately it’s exhausting? Maybe it’ll get better with time, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jessica isn’t even in our ward anymore and my heart hurts so much that I didn’t try harder to be her friend before she left. I adored her! And Amber moved today!

I’m fine with being alone. And then I get lonely. And then I want to be alone. And then I get lonely.

Heyyy.
What are you thinking about tonight? Are you up?

I’m thinking about alcohol and how I’ve never had it. I’m twenty two and have never even had a sip. Isn’t that funny? I’m thinking about how proud I am of that. I don’t know why, really. I guess we all have these moral commandments for ourselves, whether they’re religious or not, and we all tend to break them because we’re humans and everything. I just like that I’ve kept that one at least this far. I guess it just bothers me, the whole alcohol thing. People love talking about it. For, like, ever. It’s boring as hell.

But I talk about TV shows all of the time. Like I can’t stop. And I’m comparing that to the way people talk about their oh so unique but so totally not unique cup of coffee or their glass of wine. What is it about it? I don’t know, I’m too tired to come up with something.

For me I feel I’ve been numbing myself with TV and I’m not telling you this because I think I need to change or I think it’s bad, it’s just how it is. I don’t want to work on anything after school and work. I just want to be sucked into a virtual life so I can get through this.

It’s time to sleep and I don’t want to, because when I go to sleep it means when I wake up it will be Thursday and I will go to work and then run around finishing everything I need to before class at 6.

While I’m with Megan in Europe, I get to see Loira in England and Marina in France. I can’t wait. It makes me so happy, this trip.

I don’t know if I want to go to grad school. Part of it completely freaks me out and I keep thinking I won’t be good enough. I don’t remember thinking that way at the beginning of my undergrad. Did I? Was I nervous? I can’t remember. I just remember packing up my clothes, hugging my mom goodbye and driving to Jeff and Stacey’s.

I never went back to my parents after that. I had no idea I would never live there again. I moved everything out, my room was taken and everything, and I was gone. Isn’t that weird? I don’t remember visiting often either. I didn’t go back on the weekends. I went with my cousin Bryant to church or skipped church and studied. I guess I was busy. Oh yeah, I was working at Zupas on the weekends too. I was probably exhausted on Sundays and I was worried about gas money and stuff. And I loved hanging out with my cousins.

Anyway, about grad school. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do. It sounds long and hard and terrifying. I don’t feel like writing essays anymore. But I know I will want one. I know I want one now, I just don’t want to do it. And part of me just wants to be at home. With a baby, yeah, sometime, but also like I just want to be at home in a bed and never leave and wear sweatpants all day and eat Ben and Jerry’s. I think a lot of it is fear and I’m sick of working hard. I just don’t want to work hard at anything for a while.

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New art on the wall! This is what I wanted to show you the other day. It thrills me to have something above the bed. Don’t stare at them too long if you’re OCD. I have to go back and straighten them out. You know when you’re so excited about art and you hurry and hammer it in? I need to get out of that habit before I move to an actual house, or whatever.

Which one’s your favorite? Mine is the Iceland one.

Mom gave me these for my birthday. I think she knows I go a little cray cray when my space isn’t pretty.

We’ve lived in this space for two and a half years. Can you believe it?

Photo on 3-6-15 at 4.54 PM

 

Heyyyyy.

I made the bed.

I wanted to show you pictures of the art on my wall, but then I felt like taking a selfie.

I’m breaking out. My hair is dry and thinking about it makes me breakdown, so I’m not going to.

I think Photobooth makes me look fat.

I have really cool eyes.

Even though I haven’t plucked them, I have pretty good eyebrows.

I’m trying out leather and I like it.

I don’t know if I look like a sexy person.

As much as I scoff at Jennifer Lawrence for posing with a snake naked, I secretly want to be that awesome.

I think I look really innocent. Sometimes I wish I looked more fierce.

I’m taking Zumba and it makes me dance all of the time.

I laugh at myself all of the time because I’m the funniest person in the world.

I want to be the photographer and the model.

I’m too embarrassed to be either right now.

I should wear lipstick more often.

Hi peeps.

Nothing exciting to say. I’m tired. I want to go back home and watch Once Upon a Time. I want it to be Maxwell’s birthday again so I can be with my family. I want the freeway light posts to turn into palm trees.

I got some hard things done, like turning in my graduation papers with a late $25 fee. But since I have two majors, I’ve paid $50. But it was a given. I never could have turned it in on time.

I also wrote out a check for $55 with an application to be in the National German Honors Society. It was $45, but I spent $10 extra to get the honor chord in the color of the German flag. You know what I’m saying? You know, the tassel thing you get to put on your graduation hat.

It was all for the tassel, people. All for the tassel.

I love my husband. He’s going to get everything he wants in this life. You know why? Cause he’s a good egg.

I’m also buying a 52 dollar scarf because it has pockets in it. Yeah, yeah, I know, I could have just gotten some fabric, gotten out my sewing machine and made a pocket. Put no no, really, no, when in any life time would that really happen for me?

“It really bothers me when you say that,” I said to Spencer at Target over the weekend.
“Say what?”
“When you say, ‘why would we buy that when we could make it?’ When have we ever actually made something that we wanted to buy? Never. We just didn’t buy it.”
“We could make it over spring break.”
“That’s what we said about the headboard. Two years ago.”
“Oh yeah.”

I sigh a dramatic sigh and walk out of the isle.

If you didn’t get it from the title of this post, I AM GOING TO ROME. The tickets are bought! Megan and I are spending two weeks in the summer running through Italy and PARIS and LONDON. This is the first time going to Europe for fun!–without having to be at school or work (I know, such a spoiled thing to say, right?).

I’ve been holding off on telling you this news. Megan posted it on her social media platforms and I quietly untagged myself. You know why? Cause I was embarrassed. I felt guilty. I was excited, but I felt that everyone else would think I was this selfish married girl, not taking money or her husband into consideration.

For three years I’ve had to learn again and again that I love what I love, I am who I am, and I cannot be Anne if I don’t feed my spirit the things it so selfishly wants.

When we were first engaged, I listed in my head the things I’d have to sacrifice in order to marry Spencer. How would Spencer be Spencer and Anne be Anne together? How would we be able to accomplish dreams and future goals when they seemed so different?

I decided in my mind that I would have to be the one to sacrifice the most. My dreams were too farfetched. Unrealistic. Too fantasy-like, too childish, not productive enough, not “money” successful enough. I watched people ask us what we were doing with our lives and as I told them my dreams, I felt their eyes quickly pass over to Spencer’s where he told his solid, five-year plan. It would be me that would have to settle down and fit into the good-girl, good-wifey life, I thought, and cheer on the side as I followed my husband in his dreams.

Of course, none of this was Spencer’s perspective. We had been dating for almost a year and he was always excited about my goals and my future. He listened, without scoffs or eye rolls. He took me seriously. And when the “marriage” word popped up, and when I let him know of these worries, he told me we would always find a way for both of us to live joyous lives. Together. I clung to his words, hoping he meant them.

It took a few breakdowns and prayers and fights to get this idea out of my head. And it still pops in once in a while. I don’t think it’ll ever go away completely.

Because even though Spencer loves me unconditionally and prays for my dreams as much as his, and hugs me so tight when I get a job interview or an acceptance letter in the mail, I can’t stop validating my decisions to everyone else. “Yeah, I’m going to Hawaii. I don’t spend a lot of money, and we’ve been really good with our budget, and I really just needed it, because I’ve been kind of depressed and… yeah.”

“Yeah, I’m going to Germany for four months and leaving my husband. Yeah, I have to do it for school though, and I’ve been really good at saving for the past months and Spencer’s going to visit so I’ll see him.”

All of the time, people. And the truth is, I just wanted to go Hawaii, dammit. I just wanted to go to Germany. I didn’t have to go to Germany. I got that international studies double major when I got back. But can I say that? No, I’m too embarrassed. How can I help it? I worry what other people think of me. I worry people think I’m a bad wife. Do you know someone said this to us when we were dating? That because I’m “this way” I won’t ever be able to make Spencer happy?

But I don’t have to have a Plan B life. I can have Plan A life all of the time. Even though this fear pops into my head every few months and I have to fight it again, that fear isn’t winning. I have received more blessings in the past two and half years with Spencer than I have in my whole life. Every question to God has been answered. Every answer has been better than I expected. And this year, we are getting huge blessings for both Spencer and me. Next month something huge is happening for Spencer. We both feel it. I’m so excited.

So, back to the point. I’m going to Rome with my best friend and I am dying of excitement.

I am completely head over heels in love with my sweet, hard-working, forgiving, hilarious, ridiculously good-looking husband. Spence, I love you. I’m so lucky to be with you.

Happy Valentines Day.